The Misadventures of Qui Gon & Co.
by Maul boy
Summary: What happens when Anakin loses the podrace? Well, it should be obvious. If it isn't, let Qui-Gon explain it... My first fic, be nice. Kinda strange...


Authors: Maul boy, Who was that painted sith anyways, and Groda  
Why: Me, myself, and I said it best; cause we're all the same person.  
Rating: PG for mild language  
Disclaimer: I get $0 for this, not mine, lucas god owns all, cept for gungan skin slippers and dress...  
Review: Yes, pleez.  
Flames: will be used to light Ric Olie's funeral pyre  
I don't know if this is going to come out like I expected it to, because this is my first submission, and my   
computer doesn't like text files.  
  
  
The Misadventures of Qui Gon & Co.  
  
Obi Wan listened to Qui Gon's voice, unable to believe the plan he was describing.   
It was creative. It was adventurous. It was daring. It was just plain stupid. "What if this   
plan fails, master? We could be stuck here a very long time." Obi Wan listened to Qui Gon's   
response, then turned off his comlink. If only he could have thought up an alternate plan! He   
sighed. Well, it was too late for that now. He would just have to see how things went.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Darth Maul looked out at the cool desert night, grinning in anticipation. Grinning a grin   
that only a mother could love... Yes, tomorrow would be a day long remembered. It would   
see the end of Kenobi... Darth Maul frowned. Those words sounded so familiar, but he just   
couldn't place it... He dismissed it. Tomorrow would be a good day. No more ugly,   
big-nosed master droning on about destroying the Jedi. And he might get time to go to one of   
those Mos Espa strip bars he had heard so much about... His speeder bike shot off towards   
the Queen's ship.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Obi Wan waited for the tell-tale beep of his comlink anxiously. How long could that   
podrace possibly take? He felt like he should be able to 'feel' whether or not Qui Gon had got   
the parts they needed. He flipped a beer bottle cap in the air with his thumb. Now where had   
that come from? He looked suspiciously at Ric Olie, who was sitting in Captain Panaka's seat,  
making battle noises.  
"Blam, blam! Take that, you Federation scum! Ric Olie to the rescue! Boom, boom!   
Ha ha ha! That ought ta teach you to mess with Captain Ric..."  
Captain Panaka shot a look at Ric, who went on talking to himself. Obi Wan rolled his   
eyes.  
Suddenly, his com-link bleeped. Obi Wan grabbed it. Qui Gon's voice came through.   
He sounded slightly disgruntled. "Obi Wan, I've got some bad news." Obi Wan grimaced.   
"Um, well, we sort of lost the race. But um... I'm sure another solution will present itself.   
I'll meet you back at the ship. Get the Queen to pack up her wardrobe."  
"Qui Gon?" Obi Wan asked, knowing full well that Qui Gon had already hung up.   
Well, this was just great. It looked like they were stuck. He turned to face a smug Captain   
Panaka. "Go ahead."  
"I told ya so."  
Ric Olie smiled at them. "Blamo!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Darth Maul saw the little kid and a blue alien running ahead of him. He decided to play   
chicken with them, but the fat blue alien flew away making rude noises, and the little kid   
dropped down at the last moment. Maul smiled smugly. So far, so good. He did a very cool   
jump from his speeder bike and turned on his lightsaber.   
Qui Gon yelled at Anakin to tell them to take off. Anakin and Watto hopped onto the   
ship. Obi Wan got Ric to take off, and they hovered over Qui Gon. Qui Gon jumped on the   
ship, and they flew off in the direction that Maul's speeder had come from on Qui Gon's   
request.  
Qui-Gon introduced Anakin and Watto to Obi-Wan. Qui Gon turned to Obi Wan.   
"Watto's agreed to help us, in trade for one of the Queen's outfits. Apparently, he thought they  
sounded very... intriguing..."  
Obi Wan nodded, and asked quietly, "So what is the plan?"  
"Obi Wan," Qui Gon said reprovingly. "It should be obvious what the plan is."  
Obi Wan frowned. "Um, work to get enough money to buy a new ship and see if Watto  
will let us take the boy out of the goodness of his heart?"  
Qui Gon shook his head. "Nope. Steal a ship, kidnap the boy."  
"Master, the council is NOT going to like this..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Darth Maul sighed. Those pesky Jedi had escaped. Oh, well. He supposed it wouldn't   
hurt to stop into one of the numerous bars in Mos Espa for a few hours. Lord Sidious would   
never have to know... Darth Maul grinned, and rubbed his hands together mischeviously.  
He turned to go into a small bar that didn't appear to have a name. The only identifying   
sign was a huge neon sign over the door flashing "Strippers! Strippers! Strippers! 26 hours a   
day, 8 days a week!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Jar-Jar and Ric were standing in the corner of the Queen's room, having a   
low-intelligence conversation, while Qui Gon, Obi Wan, and Captain Panaka stood before the   
queen.  
"Master Jedi, because of your foolishness, we will be stuck on this planet until it is safe   
to contact the Republic. By then, I will be out of office, you will be assumed dead, and Ric   
Olie's cultish tribe will have been arrested. What do you have to say for yourself?"  
Qui Gon smiled at "Amidala". "Oh, we have a plan. We should be able to leave the   
planet today. Uh, do you happen to have any clothes you wouldn't mind disposing of? It's   
important to the mission..."  
Obi Wan could hardly keep a straight face. The way Qui Gon said it, it sounded like...  
"Amidala" looked at him in surprise. Qui Gon didn't seem that type, but you never   
knew these days. "Well, you can have my Gungan skin dress... I never liked that thing much."  
Jar-Jar heard this and his eyes widened. "But yousa said yousa no tinkin yousa better   
den da gungans."  
Amidala waved a hand and rolled her eyes. "Okay, so I lied."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A silver 327 Nubian hovered above Darth Maul's ship. It landed right next to his ship.   
A variety of strange people hopped onto the hot desert sand. One of them seemed to be   
struggling with what appeared to be a closet on wheels.  
"Master, THIS is the ship we're going to steal?!?"  
Qui Gon smiled proudly at his own intelligence. "Yes, we're going to steal the ship of   
that sith."  
"But Master, what if... what if he comes back and finds us?"  
Ric Olie smiled inanely. "Blam! Blam!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Darth Maul should have heard the alarm that told him someone was on his ship. He   
should have realized that if someone stole his ship he would be stuck here a long time. He   
probably did deep inside, but at the moment he was more interested in the pink-haired   
lap-dancer. If he had known it wasn't the female of its species, he would probably been   
slightly less interested. As it were, though...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Captain Panaka struggled with the Queen's large closet-on-wheels. "That's the last of it,"  
he said, collapsing on the floor of Darth Maul's ship. He looked at the interior of the ship for  
the first time. There was an audible gasp, and everyone turned to look at him. "We can't take   
her Royal Highness on this thing! It's terrible! It's horrid! It's in bad taste!"  
Qui Gon glared at Captain Panaka. "Just because the walls are red and black and the   
owner seems to have an obsession with lava lamps doesn't mean we can't use the ship."  
Panaka grumbled, but didn't say anymore. The ship wasn't that bad, he decided. Once   
they reached Coruscant, they'd add a little paint, talk with Martha, and exchange the furniture   
for slightly less... pink... furniture.  
Qui Gon turned to face Watto, who was standing on the ramp. "Um, I'll bet you the   
Queen's entire wardrobe that you couldn't fly to your new ship and back to ours before we   
leave!"  
Watto frowned. "Hmm. You're on!"  
Watto exited the ship to hear the ramp of the ship slam shut. "Hey, wait! Da boy, what   
about the boy!" Watto realized he'd been cheated, and banged on the side of the ship. A   
voice behind him made him jump.  
"Hey, wuz you doin my with ship? Daz ship mine!"  
A drunken Darth Maul staggered over to his ship, falling over every couple of steps.   
An idea came to Watto. He had lost one slave tonight, but this guy was SO drunk that... with   
a little bit of luck, Watto would have a new slave with a huge hangover by tomorrow morning...  
Darth Maul looked at him. "Hey, wuz you at me lookin' like that?"  
Watto grinned at him, and put a hand around his shoulder.  
Darth Maul grinned back obliviously, grinning a grin that could make a dentist cry.  
"Let's talk contracts," said Watto.  
"Wuz a toncract?" said Maul.  
"Good ridance," said Anakin, as their new ship lifted off into space.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Obi Wan turned to Qui Gon, furrowing his eyebrows. "I still have one question.   
What about that device placed in Anakin's body? Can't Watto still blow him up."  
Once again, Qui Gon gave Obi Wan a disapproving look. "Obi Wan, it should be   
obvious what I did."  
Obi Wan took a stab in the dark. "Um, you located the device and had it removed?"  
Qui Gon shook his head. "Nope, I bet him the Queen's gungan skin shoes that he   
wouldn't swallow the transmittor. Obviously, he would want the shoes that matched the   
dress." Qui Gon's look made it clear to Obi Wan that it should be perfectly obvious what   
had happened.  
Obi Wan shrugged. "Oh. That was my second guess."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ric Olie pointed to Coruscant. "See that? Coruscant. The entire planet's one big city."  
Anakin nodded.  
Ric Olie pointed to the landing platform. "Look, there's Chancellor Valoram's shuttle!   
And look over there. Senator Palpatine's waiting for us."  
Anakin nodded.  
"Uh, who's flying the ship?" Captain Panaka asked.  
"Nobody." Ric replied. "Look, no hands!" He said, happily.  
Anakin nodded.  
Captain Panaka screamed, turned the ship and saved them from a near collision.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Qui Gon & Co stepped off the ship. Senator Palpatine was obviously confused by   
something, but he stepped forward and greeted Queen Amidala politely, and introduced   
Chancellor Valorum. He turned towards Qui Gon and Obi Wan. "Er- what a lovely ship.   
I did not know these were Republic issue?"  
Qui Gon explained what had happened. Senator Palapatine appeared to be somewhat   
annoyed. "I didn't know stealing wasn't against the Jedi code."  
"Your focus determines your reality," Qui Gon replied loftily.  
Palpatine nodded. "What's that supposed to mean?" he whispered to Obi Wan.   
Obi Wan shrugged. "Don't ask me. I think he just makes that stuff up."  
Palpatine nodded, took one last look at the ship, and left with the Queen.  
Qui Gon turned to Chancellor Valorum. "I must speak with the Jedi Council. The   
situation has become much more complicated."  
"Oh?" Valorum asked. "How's that?"  
"Well, we kidnapped a child prodigy and we need to redecorate an entire ship."  
"Oh. I see... I think."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Queen Amidala sat in Senator Palpatine's ready room. Palpatine paced back and forth   
across the floor. "The Republic is not what it once was. The Senate is full of greedy   
squabbling delegates..."   
He droned on and on. Sabe and Rabe were quickly becoming bored. They had a little   
game they played when they were bored. It consisted of making hand signals and faces at   
each other without getting caught. Whoever was caught first and was unable to make a   
believable excuse had to do Amidala's hair for a week.  
"The Chancellor is mired by..." Senator Palpatine stopped and turned to face Rabe.   
"Did you just stick out your tongue out at me, young lady?"  
Rabe faked a confused look. "No, sir. I was licking my lips. Coruscant has a much   
drier climate than I am accustomed to."  
Sabe rolled her eyes at Rabe.  
"As I was saying, the Chancellor is mired by baseless accusations of corruption..."   
Senator Palpatine paused and looked at Sabe, who was in the process of making a shadow   
puppet on the back of the Queen's head. "Now why, dear girl, are you doing that?"  
"Pardon me, sir. It has been a long day. I was merely stretching."  
The Queen gave Sabe and Rabe a warning look. Sabe stiffled a giggle. Senator   
Palpatine frowned at both of them.  
"Anyway, the Bureaucrats are in charge now... What in the worlds are you doing??!"   
Senator Palpatine was staring open mouthed at Rabe who was dancing around while giving the   
queen moose ears, and touching her tongue to her nose.  
Rabe looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Or rather, a moose caught in the   
headlights. "Um... I was doing the Naboo rain dance?"  
Queen Amidala looked at the handmaidens like she was having trouble deciding which to  
hurt first. "Excuse me, Senator. May I have a moment?"  
The Senator looked surprised. "Of course, your Majesty."  
As the door closed behind him, he heard "Rabeeeeeee!!!!". This was followed by a loud  
thud, and then a long silence. Palpatine hummed "Wild Thing" quietly to himself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Mmm. Hard to see, the dark side is," Yoda said wisely.  
Obi Wan rolled his eyes. Did Master Yoda always have to talk like a fortune cookie on   
drugs? He was having trouble paying attention. He bowed to the Jedi Council, and turned to   
leave.  
"Master Qui Gon, more to say have you?"  
Obi Wan turned in surprise. Uh oh, this was not good. Once again, Qui Gon was going  
to make himself look like an...  
"... I've discovered a vergence in the force."  
Obi Wan had trouble keeping his face straight. "Yeah," he thought, "a nine year old   
vergence who almost got us stuck on a desert planet for the rest of our lives."  
"Bring him before us, then." Mace Windu said. Obi Wan and Qui Gon bowed and   
turned to leave the council.  
"One more thing." Mace Windu said as they turned to leave.  
Warning bells went off in Obi Wan's mind. They were going to ask about the...  
"What happened to your ship, and where did you get that monstrousity?"  
Obi Wan wondered idly how Qui Gon would explain this...  
"Well, as you know, our ship was blown up by the Trade Federation. When we arrived   
in Theed, we used one of Her Highness's Nubians. But the hyperdrive was damaged..."   
Qui Gon trailed off.  
"And?" Mace prompted.  
Qui Gon sighed, and continued as if talking to a baby. "Well, we landed on Tatooine,   
lost our ship to a greedy Toydarian, and escaped with the ship of the sith we confronted. Yes   
we did, yes we did, widdle Mace! You're so cute. Oh yes you are! Would widdle Mace wike  
his bottle?"  
Mace coughed loudly. Obi Wan smiled into the sleeve of his robe. Minus the baby-talk   
part, it did sound pretty reasonable when he put it that way. Then again, he didn't mention   
anything about a drunken sith screaming at the ship, or the Toydarian having a gungan shoe   
fetish...  
Qui Gon grunted. "Er, as I was saying, that's how we arrived here."  
"That will be all, Master Qui Gon. Please bring the boy to the temple for testing this   
evening."  
Obi Wan and Qui Gon bowed to the council once again and left.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership," Queen   
Amidala said, taking a step closer to the edge of the hover-thingy. There were gasps.   
Everyone was awed by this young queen, who came from Naboo, trying desperately to save   
her people. That is, they were awed until she tripped on her ridiculous and overly ornamental   
dress. They became even less awed as she flipped head over heels in the hover-thingy.  
Palpatine couldn't believe it! The Queen could have mentioned that she was smashed   
when she was talking to him earlier, but nooo... And this was the best chance he was going to   
ever get at becoming Supreme Chancellor, and she had to go ruin it for him! The nerve of her!  
...but Amidala managed to save the situation. She stood up. "I bow to you, Supreme   
Chancellor. It's a Nubian custom to bow to crappy politicians."  
Senator Palpatine was relieved by the cheering and clapping of the other delegates. It   
told him that nobody else seemed to realize how stupid that sounded.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"The boy will not pass the Council's tests, Master. He's too old. And too stupid."  
"He is the chosen one."  
"Do not defy the Council, not again! Last time, you ended up naked in the streets,   
dancing for money!"  
"I shall do what I must, Obi Wan," Qui Gon said, smiling at the memory.  
"The Council will not go along with you this time. Force knows where that kid's been."  
"You still have a lot to learn, my young apprentice," Qui Gon said, placing a hand on   
Obi Wan's shoulder.  
Obi Wan wondered how Anakin was doing.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"... a speeder."  
Yoda put a finger to his mouth thoughtfully. "How feel you?"  
"Like shit, sir."  
The council looked shocked, all except for one Mace Windu, who suddenly seemed to   
find his fingernails incredibly interesting.  
"Heard such words from who, did you?"   
Anakin frowned in concentration, trying to decipher some meaning from Master Yoda's   
words. He suddenly smiled. "I get it! Who did I hear that from? Master Windu, of course!   
Wanna know what else he said? He said Master Yoda is a short little green bas..."  
"Enough!" Yoda cried.  
"... who wouldn't know his head from his a..."  
"Enough!" Yoda said, covering his ears.  
Anakin looked hurt. "Sorry, Master, sir. I was just repeating what Master Windu said."  
"Yes, well, Master Windu and I will devote several hours to discussing this matter later."   
Yoda said.  
Anakin and the entire Jedi council stared at Yoda. Yoda suddenly realized how he   
sounded, and tried to cover it up. "I mean, hrmm. Devote several hours to this later, we will.   
Run along, young Skywalker."  
All of the council members continued to stare at Yoda.  
"Secret's out, Yoda!"  
Yoda sighed. "Fine, I admit. I only speak in weird, messed up riddles so that people   
can't understand me, and I, thusly, can never be proved wrong!"  
"I knew it!" Mace Windu said. "You little green piece of..."  
Mace Windu jumped at Yoda, who whacked him with his gimer stick. The rest of the   
council followed Mace's example. Anakin shrugged, and left the council whistling.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Then he will be trained?" Qui Gon asked Mace Windu.  
"No," Mace Windu replied.  
Obi Wan wasn't really listening to the conversation. He was more interested in other   
things, like how Ki-Adi Mundi had gotten a black eye, and why Yoda's gimer stick was broken.  
"I will train him then. I take the boy as my padawan learner."  
Obi Wan's head snapped up. He turned to look at Qui Gon. "WHY THAT JERK!   
How could he trade ME in for that rotten little..."  
"... there's not much more he can learn from me..."  
Obi Wan looked confused. "But, Master, you just said I still have much to learn just a   
second ago, and..."  
"Shut up!" Qui Gon hissed. "Do you want to be a Jedi or not?" Qui Gon turned back   
to the council, smiling pleasantly. "He's ready to become a Jedi knight."  
"I am ready to face the trials," Obi-Wan said.  
"Our own counsel will we keep on who is ready!" Yoda yelled, brandishing half a gimer   
stick at Obi Wan, causing Obi Wan to wonder what had happened to the other half.  
Mace shot a look of pure hatred at Yoda. "And the Council thinks Obi Wan is ready to   
face the trials."  
"But..." Yoda said, and stopped, as Mace pulled out the other half of Yoda's gimer   
stick from behind his chair. Mace made several gestures with it in the air, ending with a shove   
and a twist. Yoda paled visibly.  
"You were saying?" Mace Windu asked, grinning menacingly.  
"Er, nothing, Master Windu. Hrmm, continue, yes."  
By now, Obi Wan was willing to give an arm and a leg to know what had happened.  
"The Council has decided that you should follow the Queen to Naboo. Need this clue   
to unravel the mystery of the sith, we do!" Mace Windu said.  
"And out draw the Queen's attacker, hrm yes," said the guy with the big head.  
Obi wan wondered why they all sounded so much like Master Yoda all of a sudden.   
They seemed to have picked up a few tips from him. This must have something to do with   
that thing that had happened earlier.  
As Obi Wan and Qui Gon exited the Council chambers, they heard, "Don't imitate me!   
Don't make me come over there!"  
"Hrmmm, don't imitate me. Rude that is, hrmm, yes.  
They heard a crack that sounded suspiciously like half a gimer stick smacking someone   
in the head.  
Obi Wan stopped, and looked at Qui Gon. That first voice had sounded suspiciously   
like... Nah. Obi Wan shook his head.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Senator Palpatine has been nominated to succeed Valorum as Supreme Chancellor!"   
said a beaming Captain Panaka.  
"Who else has been nominated?" asked Queen Amidala.  
"Um, Bail Antilles from Alderaan, and Ali Teem of Malastaire."  
"I will be Chancellor," Palpatine said, managing to ignore the Queen's two handmaidens,   
who were doing cartwheels and making rude gestures in the background.  
"I fear by the time you have control of the Bureau of Cats, there will be nothing left of   
our people, our way of life. They will treat us like catnip..."  
"Bureaucrats," Captain Panaka whispered.  
Queen Amidala waved a hand. "It is of no consequence." She turned towards Palpatine.  
"This is your arena, Senator. I feel I must return to mine. Captain, ready my ship."  
"But your majesty..." Senator Palpatine said, trying to ignore Rabe, who was doing a   
triple lutz on the sofa.  
"It is clear to me that the Banana Republic no longer functions. I pray you will bring   
insanity and compasses back to the Republic." Amidala turned and exited the room.  
Captain Panaka didn't even bother to try and fix THAT statement.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"The boy is stupid! They all sense it, why can't you?" Obi Wan asked, a last ditch   
attempt to stop Qui Gon from bringing the little terror with them.  
"The Council will decide Anakin's future. That should be enough for you. Now get on   
board."  
Obi Wan decided against jumping at Qui Gon, and turned to get on the ship.  
Anakin looked up at Qui Gon remorsefully. "Master, sir, I don't wanna be a problem."  
Qui Gon knelt down next to Anakin, "Oh, you've already been much more trouble than   
you're worth, but don't worry about it."  
Anakin nodded, obviously not understanding a word Qui Gon said. He looked   
quizically up at Qui Gon. "I heard Master Yoda talking about midichlorians. What's a   
midichlorian?"  
"Midichlorians are microscopic organisms that live inside us."  
"They live inside me?"  
"Yes, inside your cells. They're symbionts with us..."  
"Symbiont?"  
"Organisms living together for a mutual advantage. You're a freak, cause you have more   
of them than anything else. That's why you're special."  
"Special?"  
"Oh, just be quiet and get on board."  
"Yes, sir!"  
Jar-Jar jumped in the air. "Wesa goin' home!"  
"Come on, Artoo," Anakin said.  
"Here we go again," Obi Wan said with a sigh.  
"We gonna boom de gasser, and crash into the Trade Federation's heyblibber," said Ric   
Olie.  
"Oh no," said Obi Wan, putting his head in his hands. "Not you again."  
The newly redecorated sith ship flew off towards Naboo.  
  
You like? Review, please. =]  
  



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